It’s been 19 years since Jeff Buckley left this planet and went to (hopefully) a much better place. I still cannot fathom that someone so wonderful and talented and gifted even graced this planet for 30 years, let alone in my lifetime.
2016 has been such a year of loss for me and for many others. Besides the ongoing list of celebrity deaths (yes, still reeling over Prince’s passing, but that’s for another post), I also lost my mother at the start of the year. I have spent so much of the year in a deep depression, wishing that I could be gone, too. If only to see the people I love again one more time, if only to get some answer to the meaninglessness cycle of love and loss.
Despite Jeff’s death being so many years ago, it’s haunted me the most this year, for two main reasons. Of course, it’s at the forefront of my mind because of my mother’s death, but also because I’ve had a huge interest in his music as of late. I’ve always been a fan of his, since my college days, but my interest was randomly renewed last December, and I found myself devouring every song he’s ever released; the posthumous albums, b-sides, live bootlegs, etc.
Anyway, after my mother’s passing, I couldn’t listen anymore. Already being in a depression over the loss of my mother seemed to magnify the loss of Jeff, as well. The fact that Jeff was gone haunted me nearly every time I listened to one of his songs. His shadow loomed over every picture I looked at, every note I heard. I couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve been. Why did he leave us so soon? If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for this? What is the reason for any of it?
I still don’t know. I still don’t know why I had to lose my mom this year. Her death was so sudden and unexpected. I don’t know why anyone has to go…why we love people and invest and tether our entire hearts and beings to them, only for their heart to randomly go out one night or for them to go swimming down a river bank, never to return. It makes no sense to me and it brings me to tears even now, despite most of my depression passing.
There is no answer to this, at least not one I can gather here on Earth. All I have managed to figure out is that it’s inevitable.
To bring it back around to Jeff’s music, the chorus of an unfinished song he did with Elizabeth Fraser goes, “All flowers, in time, bend towards the sun.” That makes me think of his death, of my moms, of us all. We can not fight the inevitable. We can only do our best to love and to appreciate the things we have while they have them. In time, we’ll all bend towards the sun. In time, we’ll all go.
This is a sad day, but I’d rather focus on the good now. That for the rest of my life I will be able to be touched by Jeff’s music, talent, beauty and grace. That even though she’s gone, I can still feel the love my mother once gave to me.
Requiescat in pace.